Well in the couple of weeks that followed I had to do several things in keeping with the court order of my probation.  I was ordered to register as a sex offender for sure and I had 5 days from the date of my sentencing to complete that task or face another felony charge and a mandatory 2 years in prison if I failed to do so.  Along with that requirement any time I move in California I have to report to the police where I am moving from and to the police where I am moving to with in 5 days of moving or face the two years in prison and the additional felony charge of failing to register.   This also includes annual registration with in 5 days of my birthday for the rest of my life in California.   

            Since I was staying with my brother in the Los Angeles area the police that I was required to see was the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s office in Norwalk, California.   I first called the station the day after I was sentenced and found out who I needed to talk to.  I also found out that they were all ready prepared for me to come in since the San Diego police wasted no time in informing them.  At any rate since I was working in Santa Monica they were generous to allow me to come in very early in the morning around 5:30 AM.  All the papers were filled out and for the first time since this all began I found police that treated me like a human instead of some violent piece of garbage to abuse as they saw fit.  They were kind, polite and actually seemed to apologize for the inconvenience I was going through.

            Another requirement was to submit to giving a DNA sample.  That was not so simple.  My lawyer was responsible for finding out where this needed to take place. At first I was told it was the same sheriff’s station that did the registration.  However they refused saying it was a San Diego responsibility after about 6 weeks I was told to report to a Sheriff’s office in San Diego County for this procedure.  Well this sheriff’s office was the same as any I had encountered in San Diego they feel it is their personal responsibility to inflict as much personal abuse and humiliation as they possibly can upon a person charged as I was.  They took a blood sample and a saliva sample and gave me a piece of paper to prove that I had completed this requirement.  I was required to send a copy to the probation department along with a copy of my sex offender registration receipt.  This receipt I am required to carry with me any time I leave my apartment.  Regardless if I am registered or not failure to have the receipt is a felony and can result in two years in prison if I were stopped by the police and they wanted to report it. 

            I was also ordered to give 20 hours of public service.   Little did they understand I use to give about 30 hours of month as a general rule ever since I retired from the Army.  However from this point on I guess I was angry and what all I had been through and the corruption, deception, and lies I had witnessed over the past 5 months I was only going to give the requirement in this area from then on. 

            I started to work with a group from my church on Thursday nights for people with problems from drugs and alcohol and any other addiction.  It was a group session that ran from 8:00 PM each Thursday night until the last member was through talking.  I had a lot of training in the Army in counseling since it was a major requirement daily of a commanding officer.  In particular drugs and alcohol counseling so this was the perfect place to put in my time.   The first probation officer I had remember the older lady refused to let me work for any religious group or for that matter to have any thing to do with any church.  Her statement to me was that church groups were to forgiving and I had no right to be forgiven at all. 

            Work was going well with the exception of the commute.  It was as if I was back in Washington DC again with the traffic issues I faced each morning and evening.  I soon started the same routine I had in DC I would leave my brother’s house around 5:00 AM and simple get to work about 6:30 in the morning. Reporting time was 9:00 AM however if I left the house at 7:00 AM I may or may not get to work by 9:00.  I felt it was more productive of my time to at least be in the office.  Not that I always worked but simply checking emails, eating breakfast or reading up on company polices and issues was much more productive use of my time than sitting in traffic for two hours each morning.  

            I also stayed at work each night until around 7:30 or 8:00 each night to avoid the two hours of traffic.  If I left at 8 I was home by 8:45, when I tried to leave at 5 I would get home anywhere between 7 and 8 each time.  That traffic nightmare was something I didn’t need. 

            Like I was saying work was going very well I had a lot of responsibilities and respect there and of course I was very grateful that I was given a chance in the first place to prove I was a good employee and a good person still regardless of what San Diego would have people to believe.  I had a lot of young women and young men working for me and we got along just great. 

            Of course I was very lonely by this time I had only seen Susan and my youngest daughter since this all began.  My son and other daughter I had only spoken to on the phone.  I was always close to my children and this was hard on us all.  It was the design of the police to have this however.  They never gave up in trying to alienate my family against me trying their best to show each of them that the abuse they were taking from the police and the rest of the community was my entire fault not the simple fact that they were sadists and took full advantage of the situation to abuse my family.  I can’t believe anyone in the United States can accept that the police feel it is their responsibility not only to punish the man accused and convicted of a crime but also their duty to abuse at every turn the family of that man.  Susan quickly adopted this theory that it was all my fault never once considering that the police were just plain wrong in the treatment of her and my children.  It was as they had been highly trained in the art of divide and conquer and also the art of psychological warfare.  From the first day on Susan was pressured not only by all her divorced friends she had associated with for so long but by unscrupulous lawyers sent to her by the law enforcement community.   

            It may be hard to understand but the law enforcement community all have the same standard operating procedures once a man is arrested and that is to keep his morale down and to separate him as much as possible for normal life and any support he may find in his friends and family.  All of them including my lawyer made it perfectly clear that they would never allow me to leave California for the duration of my probation so I could be reunited or at least closer to my family.  There was never going to be a chance for us to work this out as a family as long as I was on probation.  They had me so beaten down and there was no way for me to recover as long as I had no family to work with and gain support from.  They drove a wedge between Susan and I that will never be healed unless God Himself takes a personal interest.  The children and I are all well together with the exception of that I rarely see them even two years after my probation has been over.  The main reason now is financial in that none of us can afford the expense of traveling the distance that separates us.  They have all been down a few times to see me and I have been up their way I think a total of 5 times in 7 years.  My oldest daughter came to live with me a few times in the past 7 years and we are very close again.  I don’t think she ever blamed me at all.  She knew me too well, like I had said many times before not only was I alone with her but I was alone with her and or just her friends since she was only 2 years old and knew full well that I could never do what I was accused of doing.  

            The first time I could see my family again and as it turned out the last time we were all together was Labor Day weekend. I took the time off work to fly to the city where Susan’s parents lived and she and the kids all drove the 5 hour drive to be with me.  Little did I know then that this would be the last time we would even try to be a family again.  We did a lot of fun things that weekend from going to a local orchard to pick fruit for pies to cooking and simply hanging out together.  I got to see one of our dogs and that too was good.  

            We had 4 dogs at one time, however one was poisoned by a neighbor as a payback for having a man that was accused and convicted of being a child molester.   That is just what happens with the publicity that the police and DA ensure during hearing and trials of men accused of these crimes.  They do their best to ensure that the public convicts a man incase a judge or jury don’t.  I hope no one reading this believes that my dog should have been killed simply because I was arrested.  Of course the police did nothing about it what so ever it was all part of the plan to alienate my family from me and to continue to show me how far they could go.   It may be that they themselves poisoned the dog we will never know. 

            During this weekend I noticed Susan was no longer wearing her wedding ring.  Immediately I thought back to when we first met 22 years before.  She was married at the time but had been separated for over a year when we met.  She continued to wear her ring as she told me to keep men from hitting on her.  I found that out when she was concerned that I was not paying much attention to her over the other women we were hanging out with since they were single.   To me at that point I was absolutely sure of what I had suspected for years when we were still together and that was she was seeing other men and was sending me a clear sign of that by not wearing her ring.  Since I had gotten my ring I had only taken it off to work on electronic equipment and when I was in jail and the police took it from me.  I didn’t take it off still for nearly 3 more years. 

            We continued to talk about Susan selling our home in Idaho and coming down to California since I was never going to be allowed to leave in the next 5 years I thought she was serious about it but of course she wasn’t. 

            Between the lawyers and her friends working on her in Idaho and the counselor I was seeing in San Diego it was if all they wanted more than anything now was to keep Susan and I from ever recovering from this.  Every time I met with the counselor he’d ask me why on earth I would ever want to be with Susan after all I had told him about hour life together.  I don’t know about anyone else but I believe when a man loves a woman it is not based on logic it is based on a feeling that can’t be explained.  For Christians out there maybe  you can understand as long as you know that God loves each of us and only He knows why because rarely if ever are we really deserving of that unconditional love only He can give.   Susan was very mad that I was seeing a counselor and telling him about our life together.  I guess I understand now because she had to know the way she had treated me in the past 12 years was not anything like a wife should treat her husband.   

            I had gone through a new probation officer each month since August none of them wanted my case and when I would go to San Diego to meet with each of them they whisper to me that they thought I had been screwed over not only by the police but by my own lawyer as well and they simply didn’t want any association with that. 

            In November I had a new probation officer that would stay with me until March.  The first meeting we had was at my brothers house one evening here in the Los Angeles area.  I had just gotten home from work and it was about 8:30 in the evening.  I had changed from my suit and tie into a pair of gym shorts and t shirt to be more comfortable.  In keeping with the restriction of my probation I had grabbed a non-alcoholic beer and was checking my email on my brother’s computer when I heard a knock at the door.   

Since my brother doesn’t get around very well and my sister-in-law was busy I answered the door only to be greeted by my new probation officer along with 9 other police officers all from San Diego.  They told me that it was search in accordance with my probation and he came right in and handcuffed me and sit me down in a chair in the kitchen. He was followed by the other 9 officers storming into the house and rounding up my nephews along with my brother and sister-in-law and sitting them all down in the living room.  Four of the officers were from the San Diego Police vice squad and were the same ones that had set me up in the first place they took off straight for the room I was staying in to search and see if I had anything in violation of my probation orders.   

            My brother was extremely upset at the conduct of the police that night and he has a bad heart so the combination of all the activity was not doing him any good at all.  I talked to my probation officer the best I could to explain that this whole thing was a brand new experience for our whole family and my brother in particular had a bad heart and needed his medication to calm down.  He let my brother into the kitchen to get the medication and my brother started asking more and more what they were doing there and why on earth did it take 10 of them to do it he told them we were not criminals and this was outrageous.  The probation supervisor then came into the room and by brother told him he wanted each of their names and badge numbers to report this to the Los Angeles Sheriff.  The supervisor response to him was simply “listen asshole, we have guns and badges that’s all you need to know now go back and sit down, your brother as long as he is on probation will be subject to these searches when ever we damn well feel like it” 

            They were there like an hour in total and they found some pornography on my brother’s computer.  I was asked if it was me that had been looking the porn sites and I said no not at all.  Then they went in to the living room with my brother’s family and asked them in front of my sister-in-law. That really pissed off my brother because he knew then what I had been telling him about the way they try to divide and conquer a family.  He told them point blank that there were 3 very adult males living in this house other than my brother and as far as I know it is no crime for any of us to look at it. 

            Well from that point on I was ordered to never use my brother’s computer again.  I had left my lap top at the office that night I was too tired when I left to disconnect it and carry it home.  They found nothing illegal at all in my room and much to my surprise although they had gone through every single thing in there they put all of it back in nearly the same place they found it.  The probation officer then un-cuffed me and they all left the house.   It had to cost them several thousands of dollars that night to come all the way from San Diego and wait out side my brother’s house until I got home.  They had no idea the work I did and how long I worked I suspect they put in over 12 hours between the drive back and forth and waiting out side until I got home.  Of course all they found was exactly the same thing they found when searching my home and property in Idaho and what they seized in San Diego.  They found nothing illegal again. 

            I called my lawyer the next day and asked him if the conduct of the officers was correct and shouldn’t they have had a deputy from at least the local sheriff’s office there since they were over a hundred miles from home and their direct jurisdiction, and why and how could they refuse to give names and badge numbers?  His only response was exactly as the supervisor had said the night before, John they have guns and badges that’s all you need to know.  In my mind they were wrong and much like they do when they cover their faces with hoods they know full well they are not with in the limits of the law and simply don’t want to be identified exactly as any criminal does when he covers his face to commit his crime.  I also asked him by what authority did the San Diego police come to Los Angeles for? They were the same officers who lied to the DA and set me up in the first place and I know they have no jurisdiction in probation that was the responsibility of the San Diego Sheriff’s Department.  My lawyer’s response again was John as long as they carry a badge and a gun there is nothing you can do.       

            Needless to say this did not make me very popular with my sister-in-law thinking that she and her family would have to put up with this treatment simply because I was living under their roof.  I told my brother I would try to find a place to live so they didn’t have to endure the personal humiliation that I was going to be required to put up with the next 5 years.   

            I could not find a place even though I was making over $100,000 a year again my credit report was in too bad of shape.   Between the fact that Susan had been taking the $5,000 a month I was sending her and not paying the bills with it my credit report lists all the charges I was charged with along with the charge I plea bargained with .  No one was going to let me into their home or apartment complex out here since they all pull credit reports.   

            About two weeks after the search at my brother’s home my probation officer called and said I had to submit to a lie detector test and also needed to come to San Diego to meet with him for my monthly required visit.  He did tell me that he would schedule my visit with him and the lie detector test on the day I had to go see the counselor.  At the time I was surprised he would do that and be considerate of my work schedule and such but it was good enough for me.   

            When I went to San Diego the next time I went to the office that the county had contracted with to conduct the lie detector test with.  I met a woman about my age and the first thing she did was apologize to me for making me go through this. She said she read the report and looking at me could easily see her own father or brothers sitting across from her and what happed to me was wrong.  We went through the questions and I answered them all truthfully.  Questions of course were all very personal ones, such as how often to I masturbate, do I think of children when I masturbate, do I think of men when I masturbate,  had I ever had sex with a minor or had I had any contact with a minor other than my family since I had been placed on probation.  I passed of course with flying colors. 

            By the time I got to the probation officer he had all ready received the initial report from the lie detector office and was pleased to tell me of the results.   I told him I would like to go to Washington State to visit with my family at Christmas time and would like a pass from him to do so.  He told me based on the results of the search of my home and the lie detector test it would be no problem and gave me the pass on the dates I asked for.  All I had to do was call in when I left my home and to call in once again when I returned. 

            To add to the frustration of taking a lie detector test you are forced to pay for it yourself and you are not allowed any kind of copy of the results. All you are told is what the tester shares with you or your probation officer is willing to share with you.  I have to tell you by this time I trusted no one to tell me the truth but only to tell me what they wanted to tell me to get the response from me they wanted.  The fact is the police and anyone associated with the system is under no obligation what so ever to speak the truth and more often than not it is standard operating procedures through out the country for the police to lie when conducting investigations just to see what others may do or say then they can not only act upon their lies but in many cases bring actual false charges against a person based on a witness response to a lie.  Now for you the average person or me, if you lie during an investigation they can and will bring charges against you unless of course your lie meets their needs. 

            In some ways I guess I was lucky in that the counselor that I had and many of the probation officers I had not only believed I had been wrongfully convicted but they would also share information with me behind closed doors about what to expect.  Meaning that there were groups including law enforcement groups that would continue to try and set me up over and over again to violate my probation.  I was warned early on since I was a registered sex offender and possession of pornography of any kind would be a violation of my probation and I could end up in prison for 10 years.  So they told me as soon as I registered to expect to start receiving mail for subscriptions to pornography and sure enough with in a couple of weeks the plain brown wrappers started to arrive for me at my brother’s house.  Now no one had my address except my family and the police so I will let you figure that one out.  I started throwing them away as soon as they would come, along with writing asking to be removed from the mailing lists.  The only thing that worked was by telling my probation officer in December that they were coming and they were not taking me off the mailing lists.  Apparently he knew which group here in Los Angeles was sending me the mail or in San Diego because they stopped soon after giving him the information.  

            By this time also the company I was working for was going through a major restructure and downsizing.  It was one of the dot com internet companies.  When they hired me in July they told me that in January of 2000 they had approximately 50 employees and when I was hired in July it was 750.  They started to downsize in September and in December I was told I would be laid off by the end of March.  They did want me and my boss to stay on and help with the nation wide effort to downsize and reorganize even though the rest of department would be gone by the end of December.   I guess they respected me well enough to trust that even though I would soon be unemployed I was of value in organization and supported the company policies.  I was never one to “retire” before my time.  My severance package would include two months of separation pay and I was free to look for work and to accept employment at any time and to keep the two month separation pay as well. 

            Before I was to take a Christmas vacation a friend on mine who had been laid off earlier from my current employer accepted a job as General Manager of yet another dot com internet company and wanted me to come to work as his operations manager.  I of course accepted because I knew that finding employment other wise with my recent felony and still being on probation for 5 more years would be next to impossible.   

            I went on my vacation to visit with my family in Washington again to my in-laws home.  By all overt accounts they loved me and supported me still.  I got to spend 10 days there with Susan, Angela, and Sara; Shawn didn’t come because he wanted to stay in Idaho and snow board.  The fact is he was upset with me for what the sheriff’s department had put him through in Idaho and he never thought nor did I that it would be our last time ever to be together as a family.   

            We did many of the same things we had done for over 20 years and many of them spent at my in-laws at Christmas time.  We shopped together, we went to movies and we ate and just hung out.  Susan still wasn’t wearing a wedding ring anymore and of course that weighed on me and with what the counselor in San Diego had been leading me to understand I came to the conclusion of course he was right and Susan didn’t love me and may never have loved me.  She was happy with the current situation because it was even better than when I was in the Army.  She only had to see me a few times a year for a few days at a time yet she still was getting all the money from me and the freedom to do as she pleased now even more since I couldn’t even go to Idaho.  Susan was suppose to be trying to fix up the house to sell and come to California since it was impossible for me to leave and was never going to get any help from anyone to get out either.  However she was doing nothing at all to facilitate the sale of our home.  Neither was she doing much to get me any of my personal belongings.   

            Susan’s best friend at the time and I feel the biggest problem between us was getting married right around New Years and I offered to go with her to the wedding.  Susan’s response was she was not ready to be seen in public with me yet.  That was like yet another knife stuck in the heart when she told me that and more confirmation of what the counselor had been saying all along.   Her friend had been married 4 times before and she had a daughter of legal drinking age for a few years. Her and her daughter would hang out like best friends and hit the bars and streets together and I know Susan was envious of that.  Where ever we went she would invite the two of them and their young children to go with us on vacations so Susan wouldn’t have to spend time with me but could spend all her time with her friends.   I am sure she was giving Susan lots of advice on getting a divorce and having some fun in her life.  Like many women for some reason they believe when they reach a certain age that they deserve to have some time for themselves believing like Susan did that I had been the only one having fun in our lives together since I was working and always traveling for work.  Susan of course had stopped any kind of routine work at home since 1992, I am serious when I tell you that I would come home from work at night or from the road and not one single dish had been washed in days or weeks in some cases, laundry had been stacked up for as much as 4 weeks at a time.  Animal wastes from the pets had not been cleaned up in weeks and the house would smell like an outhouse.   She would not even do the grocery shopping except as needed and only if I were gone for to long.  I had been doing about 70% of the grocery shopping since Angela was born in 1982 but now I was doing more like 98% of it.  If I went to Spokane for any reason I would always go to the Air Force base and get groceries at the commissary it was easily 40% cheaper than shopping in Sandpoint.  However Susan would never take the time when she went to Spokane for any reason her statement to me when I’d ask her to go to the commissary was she was going to Spokane for either fun or work and not grocery shopping if I wanted groceries then I needed to go myself.  Its not that I needed the groceries since I rarely ate at home it was always to dirty and smelly for me to want to eat there.  If I was to cook the first thing I’d have to do would be to clean week’s worth of dirty dishes she and the kids used.  So I simply ate most of the time out.   

            Susan made it perfectly clear to me during our first 5 years of marriage that the income the family needed was my sole responsibility, however now the last 8 years she was making equally clear that her only responsibility was to her self and to do as she pleases.  If I wanted a clean house then I should clean up after her and the kids when I got home from the road or from work, if I wanted clean clothes I either needed to buy them or wash them myself.   If I wanted food in the house then I needed to get it.   Between her and the friends she had made since we returned from Germany in 1988 she was convinced that she had done all the work and simply was not going to contribute anything else from that point on and take time for herself.   

            It is a major mistake for military members to live off base that is all there is to it.  At least on base spouses are not the only ones left alone for weeks or months at a time while the military member is doing his or her duty.  Off base however all Susan could find for friends were divorced women and none of them worked either.  She could hang out with them all the time because none of them hand obligations other than to have fun. Money was provided to them by ex husbands and they were free to do as they pleased.  Susan loved that idea and pretty much had always been that way.  At least on base she would keep the house clean and well taken care of because other military wife’s and family would come to visit and they expected some normal cleanliness.   

            Well I went back to California a couple of days before New Year’s Eve.  When we were at the airport and before I left to get on the plane I told Susan I missed her very much, her response to me was I don’t think you miss me at all just the idea of being married.  She always was reverting to her own degree in counseling and never responded to me with a heart of her own.  For years no matter what I said to her she had managed to turn it around to mean something else in her mind based on some book she read or case she studied in college.  I was hurt by that statement very much and didn’t know how to respond to it like many others over the year when she heard something other than what I had said. 

 On New Years Eve since I was still hoping that Susan and I would get back together and we were working things out I called her.  I wasn’t sure if she would be home but I did find her there.  Sara answered the phone but Susan was asleep she was very angry that I would call her on New Years and wake her up just because it was midnight.  I think she was mad at many things that night most of all her best friend had gotten married and was with her new husband.  When I asked Susan why she was not out with her she simply said she was married now and had obligations at home.  I wanted to shout back to Susan why she never felt any obligation to be with me when I was there but I knew that wouldn’t contribute any thing positive to our situation so I simply let it go. 

I was upset and didn’t call Susan again after that.   I think I finally understood that she wanted nothing to do with me except my money and as long as she was getting that she was happy with going out doing what ever she wanted when she wanted as long as it didn’t have to be with me.  During the time I was in Washington we had a pretty normal sex life again much more so than we had in 15 years.  We were actually having sex every night.  However the first day I was to go to work in California in 2001 for my new job I felt something strange and I had a wet dream of Susan the night before but there was blood in my seaman.  I was scared I had not masturbated for nearly a year since I was not around Susan I didn’t desire or need sex of any kind. But I guess by having sex 8 times in the previous couple of weeks I thought I was getting my old problem back only much worse now since there was blood in the seaman.   

I went to the VA hospital where they ran a number of tests on me before I went to my new job at least they saw nothing serious going on but like in the early nineties told me I would need to find a pattern or again face an infection.  I tried for the last time to explain to Susan what was going on but that only made her furious with me and told me I had never changed and all she was good for was sex and I was still trying to lie to her to get her to have sex with me.  I was done with her at that moment and I told her so I was finished and I would no longer live like this ever again. 

I went on to tell Susan that I was going to stop sending her any money at all and I was going to have my retirement check sent to me as well.   I told her I’d pay the mortgage on both homes as well as all the credit card debts but her car insurance and utilities, food and her gas would have to come from her from then on.  I had been the sole provider for our entire family for over 20 years and it was her turn to take care of her self and feed the kids for a while since she’d rather work than be with me.   I had accepted what I was being told for the last several months from the counselor and sure enough when the money stopped Susan showed her true colors and it was obvious the counselor was right.   I had her send me all the credit card bills along with all the other bills so could get them all to a credit counselor to consolidate them.  I had found out then that over the years Susan had gotten many credit cards I knew nothing about at all by signing my name to the applications.  I thought we may have had may be $25,000 - $35,000 in credit card debt but as it turned out it was more like $70,000 in credit card debt.  I also discovered that most all our debts were only being paid by her at best once every 3 months.  What she had done with the $5,000 I had sent her each month since I started working and the money left over from the sale of the stock options I have no idea other than she had a new car and new furniture.  However even the car and furniture was mostly on credit.  She had taken several tens of thousands of dollars and had nothing to show for it either the money or material things.   

From that point on communications between us just went downhill the more I found out about our debt and the lost money the more I didn’t want to be with her again. 

I was scheduled for a hearing in February of 2001 it was scheduled because at the time of my sentencing I didn’t know exactly where I would be working or living the judge had made it clear in the probation order I was free to live and work anywhere in Los Angeles county, Orange County, or San Diego County.  This hearing was to determine if I completed my public service obligation and to hear about my progress so far on probation.   I am sure it was really scheduled because they were positive that I would have violated my probation and it would be the prefect time to send me to prison any way.  My probation officer however had come to the conclusion that I had been wrongfully prosecuted and no longer believed the police reports.  He had taken the time to read my whole history as well as the shrink reports, the support statements from my friends and family, the lie detector test results as well as his own personal investigations.  He told me that he had spoken to the DA and they were in agreement that I should be released from probation but they could not put it in writing.  He told me that the day of the probation hearing I was to ask to be released from probation and they would agree but that was all they could do with out getting into trouble.  I tried to tell my lawyer that but he refused to let me speak.  Of course I know better now that I should have fired him from the very beginning, just try to keep in your mind the position I was in mentally and emotionally.   I had been taken from my family I was loosing my wife that I was in love with regardless if you can understand that or not I didn’t love her for a reason I loved her because that was the way I felt about her.  The bottom line was the neither the DA nor the probation officer showed for the court hearing.  The judge asked for stand-in’s for both of them from with in their respective departments. They didn’t show because I believe now that they were sure I’d be released from probation and even the judge was in on it.  The problem was my own lawyer who wanted me in California to pay and to never regain my family ever again.  So nothing was said to the judge about being released. 

I had to see my probation officer the following week and he was upset and angry that I had not asked to be released it had all been taken care of.  When I told him why he simply stated you needed a real lawyer Mr. Davis, you don’t belong here you never belonged here in the first place now we are wasted valuable time and resources to watch over you when you don’t need to be watched over in the first place.  He did what he could from that point on and at least got me placed on administrative probation.  I no longer was restricted to just the 3 southern counties of California but was free to travel any where in California I wanted to go.  I no longer had to report to the probation office in any way except if I changed employment in any way or if I moved. Then I was only required to notify them in writing with in 5 days of the change.   

I was still stuck in California but at least I could travel a little besides just for work.  If I were to leave the state I still had to ask for permission and get a pass but only if I wanted to go out of state.             

            The new job was actually better and still more pay than the last one and of course the two months of severance pay was great to help make a little dent in the bills that had not been paid in months.  To this day I have no idea what happened to all the money I sent to Susan and all the money her parents gave her.  I don’t know exactly how much but from talking with her mother during 2001 it seems as if they were sending her between $1,500 and $2,000 a month.  I don’t get it Susan was working and she was getting $5,000 a month from me on top of the $30,000 she had gotten from the stock sale.      

            Time was going pretty fast in some ways it was hard to break the daily contact I had with Susan for over 20 some years.  I would call her several times a day when we were married as long as I could get to a phone and now I was trying to go cold turkey.  I know things were going bad for the kids especially Sara she had just turned 14 when this all started and now was turning 15.   

            I changed counselors during the first few months of 2001 because I found a Christian family counselor.  I was being required to go still from probation and being on administrative probation it was impossible to get a release but I at the same time I had no requirement to go monthly either.  I was saving a great deal of money now at least I wasn’t missing a day’s work to go to San Diego, pay the counselor and all the related expenses of a 230 mile round trip. 

            I guess going to this counselor was good and bad in some ways. I started to get a better handle on what had been going on in my life over so many years with Susan.  The more I told him the more he’d ask why I was in love or why would I want to be with her again.  I guess I don’t really know it was the only marriage I had and I didn’t know any better.  I really didn’t know how abusive she was to me until I was away from her and started being with other couples full time and seeing how they got along.   The counselor talked to Susan and also talked to her mother while I was in the room at different times and I realized just how much Susan hated me and been growing with her hate for years.  Her mother said when asked if she thought if Susan and I could get back together again and her response was too much water had passed under the bridge now for that to happen.  Susan’s response was much blunter she simply said no she didn’t want to be with me again.           

            Of course this was also tax time and trying to get receipts and information from Susan was near impossible.  I had to hire an accountant for the first time because taxes were going to be very complicated with the two of us living and working in two different states and the money I had made the previous year.  When you count the stock sale I had made over $160,000 dollars in 2000.  Not that I saw much of it myself I think I got between 10-12% to cover my living expenses. My expenses were not much I was living with my brother and all I did was buy about 75% of my food while I was there.    As it turned out since Susan had not held any of the money back for taxes from the sale of the stock and not one of my legal fees were deductible nor was any of the kids legal fees from what the Sheriff’s office in Idaho had done we ended up owing around $20,000 in taxes to the IRS and taxes to both Idaho and California.  For a few years I did my best to pay them between $50.00 - $100.00 each month but if you have ever owed the IRS you know that doesn’t even pay the penalties.  Every time however I got a little money ahead in my bank account up until 2004 the IRS always found it and took out all but a couple of dollars of it each time.  Since I couldn’t afford an attorney I know over the course of the last 6 years I have paid them about $25,000.00 and since the IRS doesn’t miss many tricks Susan has paid about the same all for an original debt of $20,000.   You see they seem to know that Susan and I could not communicate at all so they were simply double dipping us both.  IT would be interesting to see how they accounted for all that.  I am sure Al Capone would have been proud of all they learned from him and now apply to the population of the United States as a tribute to him. 

            Angela had been trying to come visit me for some time and during the spring of 2001 she made it down for a couple of weeks I am sure it was in April because I remember sending Susan a couple dozen roses for what would have been our 22 anniversary.  Of course that was just another big joke to Susan and ensured in her mind that I was still under her spell.   I didn’t have any where for Angela to stay since I was living with my brother and his family so I put her up either in a hotel near by or took her up to Ventura for a few days so she could be with her friends from Idaho going to college up there.  I would come home when I took her there and put her on a train to come back my way. 

            When it came time to get her home we were going to have Susan drive half way down or along the Oregon coast so I could spend a little time with Sara as well.  However Susan being Susan told me she wanted to hang out with us too but didn’t want me to get the wrong idea we were never going to get back together.  I told her right then that she would never change as long as I was willing to spend money on her she would spend time with me and the kids, but I said I had spent my last dime on her entertainment and I would simply put Angela on a plane to send her home.   

            It wasn’t long after Angela got home that she left Idaho again but this time she was with a boyfriend.  Susan swore to me that there was nothing between Angela and this boy it was just they were friends.  Well they didn’t stay long this time and the two of them went over to Las Vegas to live for a few months. 

            By mid May of 2001 I found out that the company I was now working with was closing shop in California at the end of May all we got from them was 2 weeks notice no severance pay at all.  In fact they never paid me over $500.00 from my last expense report either.  It also happened since I had been with my brother for a year now he needed me to move out it was too much for all of us under one roof.  He didn’t know that the same day I found out I was loosing my job.  I had of course been looking for a different one for months because I could see the handwriting on the wall so to speak.  It was another dot com company and many of them were folding up.  I was about to learn one of my hardest lessons from this and that was a convicted felon especially one convicted of a sex crime against a child was never going to get work. 

            I would get through the interview process several times and even negotiate salaries, however even telling the truth on the applications about convictions a good job simply was never going to happen to me again.  Not only does it show up on background checks but also on credit reports so there was no way I was going to get an apartment either.   

            I called my aunt and uncle in San Diego and they offered to let me live there with them until I could find a job and a place to live.  I thought I’d find work in a couple of weeks at the most but the more time that passed and the more interviews and applications I filled out I soon had to come to grips that now between the conviction I also had two back to back jobs that only lasted 5 months each.  It wasn’t my fault that the companies closed up 5 months after I started to work with them but hiring managers review resumes by the book and see the two 5 month each jobs and figured I had a problem working I rarely got a chance to explain it.  Then on top of that the hiring book and the people that believe in that method could see I had been unemployed now for months as well it was all stacking up against me.  To this day in May of 2007 I have not had a full time job since May of 2001 I have gone out on over a hundred interviews and sent out over a 1,000 resumes but now a days I am lucky to get a response from one every 3 months.  Its been about 9 months since my last interview. 

            At any rate back to the story, by fall I got a call from the San Diego Sheriff’s office that I had a summons to be picked up I could either come and get it on my own or they would send out a deputy to serve it to me.  Of course I went to pick it up and it was from Susan for a divorce.    She had been very open around her friends and the small town we lived in and she is still in about her life style.  She pretty much had gone back to the age of 16 or 17 and was out every night and acting like a HS girl with all the men in town her preference from what I could hear was for men much younger than her.  My friends that I still have contact with would tell me they couldn’t believe what she was doing or how she was acting but for me it was over anyway.  Susan never wanted anything from me except that first baby and from then on I just had to accept it was about money.  By October when this paper work arrived I had not paid the credit cards or the mortgage since July.  I didn’t have near the money to do that I was getting about $1,200 a month from my retirement, the VA and unemployment and I had a truck payment to make and insurance to pay as well as sending money up for Sara.   

            The original paper work forbade me to speak with my children and I was very pissed off about that since two of them were adults now and one even lived out of state.  I had no choice but to hire a lawyer from Idaho to represent me.  I didn’t have the money to hire one so I ended up borrowing money from my life insurance policies to pay for a lawyer.   It’s a crime to pay into life insurance for over 20 years and only get $4,000 of it available for cash but it was enough for a lawyer for a few months.   

            Before long there was a child support hearing and I was ordered to pay about $340 a month in child support for Sara.  I could handle that and did as long as it stayed that way which was only about a year.   

            By November of 2001 Angela and her boyfriend were living in Washington State in the same town as Susan’s parents.  So for Christmas I got a pass from probation to go up that way for a few days to be with the kids.  I had made arrangements I thought for Susan to bring Sara down that Friday night I was getting into town and I would be staying with Angela at her house.  I had even offered to drive to Sandpoint to pick Sara up so I could spend more time with her but Susan promised everyone she’d be there Friday night.  Of course she didn’t show up and in fact didn’t show up until late Sunday night. The fact is I know now she was spending the weekend with her boyfriend and his kids and could care less about my kids being with me in fact it was pissing her off to have to put on a show for everyone about even letting me see them.   I was all ready to go back to California that Monday since I had been lied to all weekend long about when she was going to come but they got there about 10:00 Sunday night.   

            Here I go again being stupid I started to feel bad about Susan not having much money to spend on Christmas and thinking she needed some money to buy things for the kids and help cover the expenses for the trip down.  What an idiot I use to be I gave her $100.00 in cash. 

            Shawn didn’t come down this year for Christmas either he was staying in Idaho to ski with his girlfriend.  My x father in law may have been the reason he stayed up there the last two Christmas’s because he did not approve of Shawn and his girlfriend living together.   The last time I had saw Shawn and his girlfriend was Labor Day weekend of 2000.   

            When Susan and Sara got to Angela’s house it didn’t take long before we all were going out for dinner, of course it was on my nickel.  The money I was using for the trip and these little outings was coming from the money I borrowed from my life insurance. Susan never offered a dime but was always inviting herself along.  I did get to spend time with the girls most of the week Sara was in town.  Christmas morning Susan brought Sara over to Angela’s and we had a little Christmas morning together the last time that was ever going to happen.   

            I had intended to stay alone that day while everyone went to my in-laws for diner but my x mother in law finally pressured me into coming by for dinner.  I think every one except Susan was secretly hoping she’d change her mind about the divorce and try to work things out again.  However no one knew Susan like I did.  Her age had gotten to her and inside she felt life had passed her by and she had lived by too many rules her whole life and was not going to follow any more especially if they would curb her need to party with her friends and do as she pleased.   Pretty much she had a green light from Idaho to do as she wanted they did not ever want to spoil a chance of her turning to their side in my legal issues.  Regardless of any kind of proof or facts all it would have taken to put me away for life was for her to take their side.  I guess I can thank her for standing that ground at least; she simply took advantage of the situation for her own need to party and to keep everything we had ever gotten together.  It didn’t matter she never held a job to get the things we had she was going to get it all now by hook or crook. 

            I didn’t go to my in laws with everyone else I took one of our dogs out to a park and played with her for a couple of hours, besides my family I was loosing my dogs too and this was the first time I got to be with at least one of the 3 left in almost 2 years.  I’d been very happy to just spend the day with her just not to have to be at the same table with Susan again.  I was so mad at her by this time it was all I could do to keep quiet for the girls sake. 

            When ever I tried to talk to her about the divorce and the expense of the lawyers involved she would tell me her lawyer wasn’t costing her anything, that tells me one thing and that was the state was paying the bills because there is not a lawyer alive in this country that gives away his or her time for any cause in court.  Like I had said before it is a very tight nit group in the law enforcement world when it comes to the types of crimes I was accused of.  They have it down to a science to divide and conquer any support an accused person may have.  In any other case involving that type of manipulation of witnesses by an accused person you can bet your life he would spend several years in prison for it.  However like so many problems we have with the police and the “justice” system we have all given them passive approval for their actions simply by turning our heads while they do it.  I think most of it is generated now by fear because so many law enforcement agencies are getting away with murder all the time.  Even if they are caught on video being brutal or excessive use of force mostly unbridled use of deadly force no normal person knows how to take it on.  It kills me when we can go to Iraq to protect those innocent people from a brutal government and police force but we turn our back on our own problems and at the same time wonder why the people of Iraq can’t change their system by themselves.  The bottom line is we have the same problem and no one knows how to turn our system around either because of the fear of retaliation from the police and government. 

            The rest of the time we were at Angela’s was pretty smooth I took Sara to movies and lunch and we just hung out like we always use to do before I was forced to be separated from her and the rest of my family.  When it came time for her to go home I decided to drive her home, my probation pass included a trip to Sandpoint and since I didn’t get to see Shawn I thought I’d go up there regardless of the threats I had received from the Bonner County DA and the Sheriffs office of arresting me if I was ever to show up there again.   I also wanted very much to retrieve some of my personal property that was now in storage.  We had lost our home in October and Susan and Sara were now living in a trailer.   

            I dropped off Sara at her trailer Susan was all ready there so I simply dropped her off and headed to Shawn’s home.  He was supposed to have a key to the storage shed but as it turned out he didn’t.   Susan being Susan didn’t want the kids to have access to it for fear they may start sending some of my things.  I have to tell you one of the most painful experiences about this whole affair was the looting of my personal things by so many people.  First there was the police in both San Diego and the Sheriff’s office in Idaho.  They kept every thing they took except the clothes on my back. Even though they admitted in court in both states there was no criminal evidence against me on any thing they took and both courts ordered all the property seized returned the police apparently have no obligation to obey court orders or at the very least know they don’t have to if you can afford to fight them in court.  If the police steal your property where else can you go but the courts and that is never free even if you are the victim.   Susan was pissed about what they took from the house in Idaho and tried to enforce the court order a couple of times.  She finally got a hold of detective Burke after several months but in October or November he told her, “Fine you can come get your property, but when you do I will be right back to your door and take more and keep taking more until you run out of money to go to court and fight me on this!”  I know you think you are hearing this from just a bitter man that has a history but I can assure you that the only history I had then and even now 7 years later is based on the lies of the police in San Diego.  My entire life has been investigated by the FBI, the United States Secret Service and the Defense Intelligence Agency and many more since this incident and all they could find out from reports from dozens and dozens of federal agents and the hundreds of people that ever knew me from the time I was 15 was I was a good man and had a reputation for telling the truth regardless.  Susan called me after Burke told her this and I called my lawyer here in California to ask if there was something we could do to get the court order enforced with out reprisals but he said to just let it go, no matter what you do they will simply make it worse for you and especially your family since they can reach out and touch them.  Remember they had all ready arrested Shawn and made him go to court for false charges of assault and they arrested Angela and convicted her on a charge of smoking Marijuana from 2 ½ years earlier.  They figured the more they did to my family more likely they could get them to support their lies and at least keep us separated for life. 

            Not only the police were in on the looting but Susan and part of her family was as well. I was not in jail a week before her sister flew up from Las Vegas to be with and help her go through my things.  Many items were lost during that time her sister has a habit of descending on a dead relative’s house as soon as they die to take things she thinks should be hers.  Now she was participating in taking my things as well.  I felt like I was all ready dead.  It was depressing enough to be in jail and all I could do to stay focused on survival but this made my time in jail and my life since worse.  I have lost so much since this all began it’s hard to list it all, however the main things is I lost my family for life, two houses, my right to employment, 95% of my personal belongings and 99% of our joint property to Susan.  I have little self respect left I simply live each day praying that some how some way this would end.  I pray that one of the police officers that know what happened would do the right thing but it’s been 7 years now and my faith in this is as low as it has ever been in my life. 

            Shawn and I went back to Susan’s to pick up the key to the shed. Susan came out of her trailer this time at a run straight for my truck. Shawn headed in doors.  Susan didn’t say hi or anything she started screaming at me at the top of her lungs about taking it all she didn’t give a damn and what a bum and butt hole I was.  She started to threaten me she was going to call the police if I didn’t leave and all I had done was pull in to her drive way to get a key to the storage shed to pick up some private property.  Of course I didn’t need that at all because they would arrest me and hold me for spite just to make me violate the return date of my probation so I could be charged with a felony or hold me long enough to charge me for failure to register as a sex offender.  Don’t kid your self they would arrest a man and hold him in jail and prevent him from registering as a sex offender knowing full well once he reaches the number of days required to meet that obligation charge and convict him for failure to register, there is never an acceptable reason for failure to register even being held in jail is not an excuse.  It’s used a lot to get additional prison time for men and for local officers to chalk up another felony conviction on their personal file and the departments records.  It all goes for funding for the departments and promotions and raises for the individual officers.   

            I called Shawn on his cell phone from my cell while Susan was playing Mr. Hyde, and told him we needed to go.  He came out hearing his mother yell and cuss at me and we went to the storage shed. 

            When we got there I found a 10x15 garage loaded from top to bottom it was dark and only like 14 degrees out there.  Every thing looked as if it had simply been thrown in.  Every thing that they wanted was all ready gone and most of what was left was nearly impossible to reach.  Bottom line is I was able to retrieve about 5 boxes of my things and the rest would have taken days to dig out.   

            I was supposed to stay with Shawn a few days but after Susan went off like she did I couldn’t put it past her not to call the police just to further humiliate me.  I ended up spending just the night at Shawn’s and headed back to Washington very early the next morning right after he went to work. 

            Believe it or not Susan was pissed at me for not spending more time with Shawn and couldn’t understand what she had to do with me leaving earlier.  Well I simply would rather be with Angela a couple more days than run the risk of running into Susan even once more in Idaho.  That night she turned into Mr. Hyde was the last time I have ever seen her.  

            I only spent a couple more days in Washington and headed back to California.  At least I knew all the people I was seeing there wanting me there.  I wasn’t that sure of that in the Northwest any longer. 

            In January of 2002 I found that the San Diego community adult education system was offering many free college level courses as long as you were not looking for college credits.  If you wanted the credits you had to pay for the course, since I had a degree and a lot of experience I decided to go to a night course for network engineering.  It was the same course anyone would take to become a Certified Network Engineer and it was free at the end of the course I could pay to take a test and get my certificate if I choose. 

            However Susan was not letting up now and she and her lawyer were getting fierce.  One Friday night while I was in my class I got a call from my lawyer in Idaho that I had to be in court on Monday morning at 9:00 AM Susan and her lawyer were filling charges of abandonment on me and telling the court that since March of 2000 I had only provided $100.00 to her and my children for support. 

            That was the final straw for me from that point on I lost all hope not of being with Susan again but of making it through this ordeal and coming out on the other end.  In what was a series of lies I had to face in San Diego I was not facing bold lies from Susan and her lawyer all designed to drain my resources to afford an attorney to represent me.  I spend the next two days digging out all the canceled checks to Susan and the children that I had provided as well as the information on the stocks she cashed in.  It took all day Saturday and all day on Sunday but I got them all, copied them and faxed them to my lawyer to take to court on Monday morning.   

            He got the paperwork reviewed it on Sunday night and provided Susan and her lawyer a copy of it on Monday morning an hour before the court time.  Of course once they saw the actual copies of the bank statements, cancelled checks and such her lawyer choose to vacate the court time.  I know now that was a major mistake on my lawyers part because if he had forced the court date the evidence of all the money I had paid to Susan in the past 2 years would have become part of the case record.  There is no doubt Susan’s lawyer knew that and he in no way wanted the court to be confused by the facts when his lies were so good.  The fact is in the past 2 years I was in California even though I was only employed for 10 months I had provided to Susan over $130,000 in cash and bills I had paid in her behalf for the roof over her and Sara’s head.    

            That  whole thing acted like a big kick in the stomach and after all the others I had gotten I just dropped out of my class I figured there was no way out of this mess and all they were going to do is drag this out until it killed me.  One thing I have figured out since this all started is that it would have been more merciful if the court had allowed me to make a choice to have a lethal injection instead of fighting a battle to succeed that was un-winnable.  At every turn a man convicted of a felony involving children is turned away.  I could get a job I had sent out over 300 resumes and was getting an interview a week but always turned down when they saw the felony.  To make matters worse after 9-11 many government officials mostly politicians trying to make a name for themselves were finding and exposing ex felons that had lied on job applications and in all cases being fired for lying on their applications even though some had  held their jobs for 15 years with out a single incident. It was becoming even more popular to believe that once a felon a person will always be a felon.  I can see now that the only way they stood a chance of getting a job was to lie about their past.  I never lied and I wasn’t about to start.  I am just saying in order to save on tax money and to give a man an out from a life of rejection and ridicule they should at least offer a legal way out of this life since he will never be allowed to live one again in the pursuit of happiness and liberty. 

            Time was really dragging on now I was riding my bike nearly 25 miles a day 5 days a week to keep myself in shape and mentally alert as possible but it wasn’t working.  Susan’s attorney was nickel and dimming me out of a lawyer.  They were trying to get me into a conference call over and over again with Susan, her lawyer, me and my lawyer. I kept telling my lawyer I would only pay for this if they could produce an agenda on what was to be discussed since I neither wanted to hear her rant and rave or her lies but I neither wanted to pay for her lawyers and mine’s time on the phone while she ranted and raved about nothing. 

            In April of 2002 Sara wanted to come down for a visit and I was really looking forward to spending some time with her I really didn’t feel comfortable with asking my Aunt and Uncle if she could stay with us, Angela and her boy friend and come over a few times all ready and I know I was wearing out my welcome there as well. I had been there now for 10 months and had no hope of ever getting a job no matter what I tried. No one understood how it could be a violation of my probation to work at a fast food restaurant because I would be working with minors the probation department would have jumped right on me for that for violating my probation.   

            I wrote a letter to the probation department asking permission to take Sara to some of the theme parks in southern California but I made fatal mistake in saying that the victims in my case were imaginary and there was no reason not to let me be with my daughter the court gave me unrestricted access to my relatives.  I can tell you right off that the probation department took major offense to my choice of words and denied me any theme parks for any reason and tried to convince me once again what a dirty pervert I was and the victims were real as far as they were concerned and the sooner I accepted that the better. 

            Sara had never flown before by herself and she was only 16 and the only flight I could afford to California that was non stop was to meet her in Sacramento.  Since I had unrestricted travel with in California I liked the idea and thought we could enjoy at least Yosemite on the way back to San Diego.   

            We stopped over in the Los Angeles area near my brother’s place on the way to San Diego for the weekend so I could attend my church near his house.  Then that Sunday we went back to San Diego.  My aunt and uncle said it was ok for Sara to stay there so I could save some money on a hotel.  We all had a great time and I missed being with Sara a lot.  We were always close to each other since the day she was born but we had been torn apart by the police now for just over two years.   

            Sara went back to Idaho but with in a matter of days my aunt told me I had to go I had been there to long and they thought by kicking me out I would be better motivated at finding a job.  They knew I was innocent but at the same time never would talk with me about changing that because of how it would make their beloved San Diego look bad.  They would rather I stayed captive my whole life than give San Diego another black eye.  I was coming to that conclusion about the whole mess now since the counselor I had been with for the past years had been telling me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all to cover them from a major law suit. 

            Now on top of everything I was homeless too I had no place left I could go where I was welcome.   I stayed in a couple of different hotels in Orange County the first weekend all my things I had left in storage shed in San Diego.  I slept in my truck on night until I found a cheap hotel / apartment building where I could get a room at least for 28 days in Santa Ana.   

            You can only stay for 28 days with out a credit check even in hotels in California another design to keep homeless people on the streets instead of inside.  Like many it didn’t make any difference of my ability to pay for my room my felony record was going to keep me out of any apartment in the state once they saw the conviction and charges on my credit report. 

            I had to register now in the City of Santa Ana as a sex offender and I had 5 days to do so.  I went to the city police station on Monday morning and was told they do everyone one at once one day a week and to report back on Thursday morning.  I had previously registered twice at the Norwalk Sheriff’s Station and each time and like I said before every time I have been since I was treated human and with respect for me as a human being.  However when I registered in Chula Vista when staying with my aunt and uncle there I had to register twice once when I first moved there and again when my birthday came up.  Both times I was forced to go in the middle of the day and stand in the lobby area with every one else while they went out of their way to make sure everyone knew why I was there.  Then to make it worse I would have to interview with a detective each time while they went out of their way to laugh at me and tell me what a fool I had been and how I ruined my whole life over this.  Now Santa Ana has the most humiliating way of all to have a man register.  They take you down to the jail by the dozens and make you sit in the holding area with all the prisoners waiting to be processed. They made me put on a jail shirt and wait for 3 hours then took my picture in the jail shirt and finally let me go the whole process was about 4 hours long and in Norwalk it’s done in private and takes no more than 15 minutes from the time I walk in until the time I walk out the door. 

            I almost had a job with in a couple of weeks of moving back to the LA area.  However since the group I was going to be working for dealt mostly with children I had to tell them about my situation even though they didn’t ask.  I knew full well I would not have contact with the children in my position but also knew between the San Diego probation department and the State of California they would harass the company to no end to fire me maybe even exposing the fact that they had a convicted sex offender working for them.  Needless to say they could not offer me the job and I knew I couldn’t hold against them when I know it’s the system that prevented me from being hired .  No matter how good I may have been for the position it would have been devastating for the company if it came out. 

            Probation in San Diego was now furious with me for moving to Orange County and my earlier reference to the victims being imaginary.   They asked why did I move to Orange County with out permission and I pointed out my probation order from the judge gave me the permission from the beginning to live in San Diego County, Los Angeles County or Orange County.  They told me that may be fine but I still needed permission to move.  I told them I had lived up to the requirements of the probation order by informing of them of each move well with in the time frames, and I had lived up to the requirements of registering in each area in accordance with the law as well.  Of course that didn’t matter to them they were feeling I was not being restricted enough by being on administrative probation. 

            When my 28 days were up in Santa Ana ended up in a flea trap hotel in Anaheim California. I say flea trap because I doubt the sheets had been changed on that bed for weeks.  I only stayed a week there but during that week I got the crabs down on my feet and ankles.  They slowly moved up my body but still have scars around my ankles from the ordeal.  The Anaheim police were a little better than the Chula Vista police department but I still had to interview with a detective once I completed the paperwork to register now in yet a different jurisdiction.  At least the detective didn’t go out of her way to humiliate me publicly or in private and I actually think when we were through talking she felt sorry for what I had been through. 

            I only stayed in that flea trap a week and I had an uncle from Buena Park that had been staying in a VA nursing home for the past 4 months and the only way they’d let him go is if he had someone living with him.  So he knew what I was going through and offered a place for me to stay as long as I could help him out. 

            My uncle’s home was a dump my aunt had died 19 years ago by then and the place had not been taken care of since she died from what I could see.  I hated living there and did a lot of work around the place that summer to clean up the yard and the inside of the home.   His particular life style was not anything I could approve of either but at the same time I had no place left to go except my truck again.  

            I called the Buena Park police that first work day I was in town to arrange to register there.  I spoke with a Detective Von Gries there on Monday afternoon and he told me to report to the police station at 4:00 PM on Friday afternoon. I was a little concerned at this point knowing that was at the tail end of the legal obligation I had to register so I reminded him of that and he told me not to tell him how to do his job and just to be there at 4:00 PM 

            When I reported to the police station once again I had to wait in the lobby and they called him up and he gave me several papers to fill out.  In one of them they asked me about what happened, how long I was in jail and or prison and what the date of sentencing was.  I wrote down the truth in that I was arrested on March 24^th of 2000 and released from Jail on May 24^th and sentenced to 5 years probation on August 1, 2000.   He called me a liar and said no way could I be released from jail before I was even sentenced.  I tried to explain that I was being held during the investigation and then he told me to shut up and if I continued to lie to him he would send me out side and wait till 5 o’clock and arrest me for failure to register and maybe I would learn a little respect for him if I spent then next 2 years in a state prison for failure to register.  He assured me I would get yet another felony conviction on my record and another strike making the total go to 2 strikes against me so that if I ever even got a traffic ticket in California I would qualify for 3 strikes and a life in prison.  Of course I simply bit my tongue and shut up. 

            I was then escorted to the back of the Buena Park police station and was told to sit in a chair.  While I was there I saw a young man between 20-23 sitting on his knees in a holding cell in front of me.  He was crying for help because he hand his hands cuffed behind him and his wrists were bleeding from how tight they were.  All the police that walked by told him to shut up and learn his lesson.  He begged me to help him but I tried to explain I was in no position to help.  Finally an officer came and got me to finger print me and take my picture and she told me he was accused of swinging at an officer when they stopped him for Jay Walking and they were teaching him by leaving him there not to swing at the police again.  I don’t approve of what I saw and know full well if I treated a POW that way I would be in serious trouble but by then I was convinced from all I had been through and seen that the police in this state are above the law in every since of the word and this young man was actually lucky he wasn’t shot to death in the first place.  I had never seen so much blood from hand cuffs before and his hands had turned purple by the time I first saw him.  I knew there was nothing I could do or say or I would most certainly end up in prison or dead myself if I said a word at this point. 

            Probation in San Diego now was really pissed at me I had been moving from hotel to hotel for a couple of months and now living in a home.  They decided I needed to be put back on level 1 probation meaning I would have to physically report to probation in San Diego once a month.  They also decided it was time for another lie detector test and I simply had no choice.  At least I was able to convince them I didn’t have the $200.00 for the test so at least this once they paid for it.   

            They had changed contractors from the woman I had seen nearly  two years previous to a company out of  Texas owned and operated by a couple of former police officers.  Not only had the price more than double but the questions changed dramatically as well.  They made me sign several papers swearing I was taking the test of my own free will.  This was my first time there so I read all the words on the papers and added my own stating I was taking this test to stay out of prison as ordered by the San Diego probation department.  Boy did that piss off the tester the last thing they wanted was the truth on the statement (LOL) He gave me the 3^rd degree and threatened to stop the test and report to my probation that I was being uncooperative with him.  So to make things easier I simply signed new papers with out my statement of the truth for the reason for taking the test.  The worst parts I think about these tests are you are never allowed nor is your attorney allowed to see the results. They send a copy to probation and if you happed to be in counseling they can send a copy to your counselor if you give permission and they request a copy.   For you conservatives out there you will be happy to know that in reality the State of California along with all the shrinks across the country still believe that homosexual sex is a perversion.   I was asked if I ever had sex with a minor, if I ever masturbated thinking of minors, did I masturbate thinking of being with other men, how often I masturbated and on and on.  When I asked him about the types of questions after the test and especially about the parts about homosexual fantasies is when I was told by the examiner that homosexual sex is a perversion and could have caused problems for me if I was having such fantasies or actual homosexual sex.  Of course I wasn’t and of course I had never had sex with a minor either. 

             When the test was complete the examiner told me I passed with flying colors and was most likely the most honest person he ever tested.  You can bet that had no influence on probation however.  One of the questions they asked this time was if I believed the victims in my case were real or not and I told him I never thought they were real.  The lie detector finally proved what the shrinks were telling them, what I was telling them, and what any human being other than the vice squad in San Diego would tell them.  The fact is I would never in my life and never did do anything what so ever to abuse a child in any way shape or form.  My life was actually the exact opposite of that.   

            I was luck this time and got a copy of the test results the counselor I had been seeing the past year had believed my story for some time and I asked him to get a copy of the results and give them to me and he did.  However that was the only test in the 5 years I was on probation where I actually saw the results.  It was good that the test confirmed in the counselors mind I had been telling him the truth since day one. 

            The summer of 2002 had many issues I had to face one was Sara called me after I moved in with my uncle crying about her mother and wanting to come live with me.  However I in no way could have her stay with me and my uncle there was no room and this man had a lot of problems I didn’t want my young daughter to have to deal with. 

            I was still trying to find work sending out a dozen or more resumes each week and getting an interview about every other week as a result.  I couldn’t even get a job in a parking lot due to my felony charge things were looking pretty hopeless on the job front and the ability to get out of my uncles home anytime soon. 

            As the summer progressed I met a friend who convinced me after I told her what was going on in my life to start my own business and do contract work where ever I could.  So I did and managed since then to pick up a few jobs each year to help supplement my retirement.  I have never regained the income I use to make by no means and maybe averaged since then about $100.00 a month not much but enough to buy some food now and then.   

            By the end of the summer my counselor finally convinced the probation department in San Diego that it was wasting my time and his for me to keep going in to see him stating not only his own opinion but that of the original shrinks as well.  He also offered me at the same time a part time job as a credit counselor for one of the companies he owned.  I was so happy to have that part time job I got maybe $1,200 a month and allowed me to finally look for an apartment of my own. 

            The drug and alcohol group I was helping with at my church had a young couple in the group and as it turned out they were managing an apartment building.  We had known each other for over two years and knew all about me and my legal and financial problems and told me they had a one bedroom apartment that they would rent to me.  They knew the credit report would be bad but they trusted me and I have been here in this apartment now since September of 2002.  It’s by far not the nicest place I have ever lived but it’s home for now and affordable.   

            When I first moved in all I had was my computer and desk, a single bed I borrowed from my brother a TV that had been given to me by a friend a year before that had set in storage, no refrigerator, I used just an ice chest for a couple of months and I did have a microwave oven along with two folding lawn chairs a friend gave me.  To say the least things were pretty bleak at first but at least I was finally alone in a place. 

            After a couple of months I got a rather large check from the state of California because they had passed a law that boosted unemployment benefits quite a bit and lucky for me the raise had been retro active for the past year.  I used that money to buy a refrigerator, a couch and a queen size bed for myself along with the rest of the requirements one has to set up a home.  Remember after some 20 years of marriage I got nothing of what I had provided for the comfort of my family. 

            I had stopped all contact with Susan and her family earlier in 2002 and every once in a while her mother would try to locate me.  She would call my brother and my aunt and uncle I lived with in San Diego and they would tell me it was clear to them she was fishing to find out how much money I was making and if I could help Susan anymore than the court order that I had been paying.  She made them mad in that she kept calling and she was obviously trying to get information about my income and not find out anything else.   I had kept some contact with Susan’s sister for a while longer but stopped that in June of 2002 for several reasons.  I had found out from her and Susan’s mother that Susan was telling everyone I was and had been having a long term affair with her older sister.  That was just plain crazy her sister had lived in Las Vegas ever since I first met her and we lived hundreds if not thousands of miles apart from each other the whole time I knew her.  She did seem to care more about what was going on in my life than the rest of her family and actually when I was in jail called the jail and talked to the chaplain there asking him to have me give her and her husband a call.  The only time I was ever alone with her in the 20 some years Susan and I were married was when Susan’s brother’s daughter got married when I first got to Sandpoint and was living alone.   

            The marriage was in Washington so since I had nothing else to do I drove down and spent the weekend with Susan’s parents.  Cheryl (Susan’s sister) was there as was most of her family.  Cheryl had flown up from Las Vegas and didn’t have a car we didn’t have anything to do so like any brother and sister in her case sister in law we went to lunch together and to see an afternoon movie.  I know and Cheryl knows there was nothing between us what so ever but a completely normal relationship for a brother and sister in law.  If going to lunch together and an afternoon movie in some minds makes us having an affair or perverted to some then that’s their problem not mine.  At any rate I decided to simply cut off all contact with her family from that point on.  Susan was falling off the deep end I guess because she was getting older and for the first time in her life she was trying to take care of her self and for the first time ever pretty much had to take care of the last child at home by herself.  Up until I could no longer find a job I had been the sole provider and being a provider was not what Susan ever wanted to do.  At least she didn’t want to provide for her own child in her mind that was and would always be my sole responsibility and not to be shared with her. 

            During this summer I also started having nightmares about Susan that come and go now for the past 5 years.  The best I can do is about 3 weeks with out one.  I have learned to go to bed very late at night or early in the morning and not even try to go to bed before I am exhausted.  Also much like when I was in the Army I learned sleep when I had the time not just at night so I would take naps during the day as long as I could and when the nightmares came I simply would get up until I was too tired to go on. 

            I also found out that about the same time Susan finally moved in with her boyfriend who had 3 small boys and he was about 15 years younger than her. I at least started to have an understanding about where the money had been going over the past several years.  She didn’t mind taking care of an unemployed boy friend and his kids but did mind providing for her own daughter.  Over the years Susan had convinced herself that I only worked because I’d rather be at work than with her and I was some sort of work alcoholic.  She never accepted the fact that I worked those hours and jobs because I was the sole bread winner for a family of 5 and the responsibilities I held in and out of the Army held much more than an 8 hour day with a lot of homework that I really had to do at the work place.  When I was going to college Susan never let up on me needing to do so much homework at home and what a problem it was for her to work so much when I was at home.  Since college I had always done my homework at the work location since she would never give me any peace while at home.  The worst was not that she wanted to spend time with me or anything like that all she wanted was to give me the kids to watch so she could go out and have some fun with her friends since I had been having fun with my friends all day at work.  I can promise you that 20 years in the Army most of which was in command positions didn’t provide for a lot of fun.  Especially if you consider some of the responsibilities I held from previous chapters. 

            The first time I tried to call Sara at home and a man answered I never called her again from then on.  I had a toll free number for the kids to use to call me anytime they wanted but I was in no way going to call and talk to a man sleeping in my bed with my wife in front of my daughter and using all my furniture and house hold appliances.  I am sorry if that seems petty to you but the idea of me working all those years by myself and providing a household full of things for another man who was unemployed just never has set well with me and most likely never will either. 

            Of course Susan was still pursuing the divorce my attorney had to quit because I no longer could afford $150.00 an hour.  Susan’s attorney was providing his services to her free of charge to her.  They had played one game after another to run me out of money until I could no longer afford an attorney. There was no way on earth I could afford a trip to Idaho to represent myself and on top of that no way probation would let me go either.  Even if they did every time I did ask for a pass to go anywhere I had to take another lie detector test first and pay the $200.00 out of my own pocket. 

            Once my attorney quit Susan and her lawyer wasted no time in presenting their case against me.  Not one piece of the evidence I had provided to my lawyer ever made it to court.  My attorney had provided Susan’s attorney copies of everything but nothing made it to court since my attorney played right into their game and let them cancel court dates every time I had the evidence to prove they were lying.  However now since I could not be there and I neither had an attorney they were free to go to court and tell all their lies.  They told the court that I had only given Susan and the kids $100.00 since I first came to California, they told the court I was making over $100,000 a year, she told the court that I had borrowed money from her parents in 1982 for a down payment for our house in Washington that I never paid back and many more lies.  She never told the court she was living with another man and his children in his house and left no rent for her to pay; she never told them how much money in fact she was now making either.  She never told them she was allowing my 16 year old daughter to have her boy friend live with them or her to live with him as well when ever they wanted.   She never told them that she had been denied active duty twice before we were ever together instead she told them I prevented her from having a career of her own because I was in the Army and moved around too much.  She never told then either about how she deserted the Army reserves and her responsibilities there and was kicked out of the Army reserves.  She like wise never told them when we got married she brought with her debts from her previous marriage and since I was the only one working I paid them off for her. 

             What happened was the court granted her the divorce, she got 100% of the joint property by default they were convinced that I had abandoned her and Sara.  They gave her 50% of my gross Army retirement, not knowing that of the 20 years I was in the Army Susan only was with me for 15 years and under Idaho law she was only entitled at the most a percentage based on those 15 years she was actually married to me while I was on active duty.  They never told the court that from my gross army pay over $300 was taken right off the top each month to go to the VA, they in turn pay me that money based on the fact that I have a 30% disability rating from them so now she gets my disability pay as well, she gets much more of my army retirement than I do and all to help support her new family.  The court tripled my child support payments based on the income that Susan and her lawyer said I was getting so in fact they took over 50% of my income and with the new child support I was ordered to pay left me owing more than I grossed every month by a couple hundred dollars.   

            Under normal circumstances Susan and her lawyer simply lied in court and knew full well they were lying as well.  I had paid back Susan’s parent’s years before.  From the first month I borrowed the money for the down payment on the house in Washington I had an allotment check sent to her dad until the day I retired.  The actual facts were I over paid him by a couple of thousand dollars and asked him to just hold onto it for me until a day when I would need it.  He gave it to me when we moved to Idaho to help with the expenses of that move.  In the courts eyes I was a dead beat dad that deserted my family, they knew full well that convicted felons rarely if ever can get back on their feet if they ever were in the first place they allowed Susan and her attorney to give verbal testimony and not one shred of evidence to their lies and when I tried after to send the evidence the judge wrote back and simply told me I had to go to court and give Susan and her attorney a chance to defend themselves.  Here I gave them the actual evidence in cancelled checks and all that I was making but that held no ground with the court since Susan and her lawyer had all ready given them their story verbally. 

            Yes I am still upset over this so many years later in that Susan gets more of my military retirement than I do and it goes for her new husband and his children’s support while my kids lost out on all I ever worked for them to have.  Susan had wasted our money over the years on her own playing and her friends, I had to cancel the life insurance at this point I had paid into for over 22 years that use to guarantee not only life insurance for the kids regardless of medical condition but also guaranteed medical insurance as well.   Keep in mind Sara has had diabetes since she was 9 years old and now with out that guarantee may never be able to be insured again.  However Susan is happy she is living the life she dreamed of ever since she watched the movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn in it.  She has a younger man and 3 small boys to play mom for all over again and she also was able to strip me of everything I owned.   

            I was going through a new probation officer a month since being placed back on level 1 probation each of them after reading the reports and the counselors recommendations along with the lie detector test results wanted nothing to do with my case.  Each of them I saw would whisper to me each time I saw them how they believed I had been taken for a ride and they didn’t want any part of it.  Finally in a few months they put me on a different level but still had a probation officer this time in a group specifically for sex offenders.  That was a nightmare working with the Nazi that was my probation officer.  You’d have thought I was Charles Mansion the way he treated me and talked to me the next 3 years I was on probation. 

            I was not to leave Los Angeles County now by his interpretation  of my probation, but I went with the court order knowing he had no authority to change the court order with out going to court he did not out rank the judge so I continued to travel between the 3 counties based on the court order.  He hated the fact that I passed the lie detector tests and I had to send a monthly report to him each month at least I never had to meet the man.  Any time I asked for a pass to go anywhere out side the counties I was limited to I’d have to pay $200.00 for another lie detector test.  Of course my lawyer would not help me in any way by now I discovered he had lied to me in several ways and in fact had been and was still sitting on the board of directors for a couple of child protection agencies.  He had promised at first when he would ask the court in February of 2001 to get me off probation as the probation department and the DA agreed to that he would help me get off after serving half of that time.  When the 2 ½ years were over he told me he never said such a thing and told me I need to spend the whole 5 years on probation and should simply consider how lucky I was that I did get 20 years in prison instead.  He also told me people like me need to be kept off the streets. 

            Well here is a little economic fact about me in the last 6 years at least, when I was working and could work I paid over 3 times as much as I can gross each month now in federal taxes alone.  I was paying over $3,000 a month that is in federal taxes now I gross less than $1,000 a month.  I never was a threat to a single person in my life; the only thing they could actually say about me and be truthful about was I would contribute to perverted conversations initiated by a group of perverted adults guided by a physiologist about known imaginary children.  Even then they could only prove that I did that once and could find nothing else in my entire life’s history about anything else before or since and now also had several lie detector tests to prove I knew full well that children were imaginary.        

When I moved into my apartment I had very little to start with of my own I had a computer and desk, an ice chest, a TV, microwave oven, I also had some pots and pan given to me by a friend along with a single bed loaned to me by my brother and two folding canvas lawn chairs that were also given to me by a friend.   You see I had nothing that I had from before not towels, no bedding nothing else.  I had to had no refrigerator for two months and simply kept putting ice in the ice chest.  Susan had all the household goods from over 20 years of marriage.  I barely had even 10% of my clothing from before.   It was hard of course and I was scared to death most of the first few years that the police would set me up and come and get me again.  I was so afraid of being alone with no one to say where I was or what I was doing it was very traumatic even going out side in the dark I was scared of seeing 40 people or police officers coming after me again.  You can’t imagine the fear unless you have been there and have had so many lies told and believed about you.   I was scared as well that any day someone would find me on the internet and tell everyone else in my apartment building I was a convicted sex offender.  I live with that fear every single moment still to this day.  All it will take is some person to look and then everyone will know and neither I nor what I have now will be safe.  

I made do with what I had because at least I had my own place I was able to cook my own meals again for the first time in years and eat what I liked instead of what was given to me to eat. Not that any one in my family I stayed with tortured me it’s just different when you can shop and cook for yourself.  Susan had been training me for years and years to be on my own since she didn’t cook for me anymore, wash my clothes or clean my house. All she had done pretty much since 1990 was play with the children I had been on my own since then.   

I got a pretty good back payment from the California department of unemployment when they raised the maximum amount after 9-11.  I used that money to buy a refrigerator but that was all I got from it I tried to save money but the IRS and the California Income Tax authority soon found my money in my checking account and levied it all from me before I even knew what happened.  

In December of 2002 my mother got very ill and had gangrene in her foot and was in a nursing home. She didn’t want to believe it and refused to have her leg removed. Of course the gangrene would kill her and there was little hope that the surgery would help in the long run.  She had diabetes since 1968 and it was taking her toll on her now.  My brother and I decided to make a trip to Des Moines to convince her to have the operation and to let her know we loved her and supported her.  I of course had to get emergency permission from probation to take the trip and got my “lawyer” involved to help me.  The regular probation officer was gone the Friday night I and my brother found out and I was able to get a hold of the supervisor and she did fax permission to me with in an hour of talking to her.  

It was a nightmare while we were there my mother had the surgery and it took hours longer than they had predicted.  We were only there a few days but long enough to convince her to have the procedure and give herself at least a chance.  The doctor told us he tried to save as much of her leg as possible but as it turned out he had to go back a couple of weeks later and remove more of it.  The diabetes had all but destroyed the circulation in her leg and there was not enough blood flow to help her heal.   

In February of 2003 she finally passed away from the infection that had set in.  I could not be there with her while I was on probation and that left my sister all alone with her as she had been since I went on active duty with the Army in 1978.  I did manage once again to get an emergency pass to be there for her funeral but it wasn’t the same as if I had been a free man and could have been there when she died at least for my sister’s sake. 

Susan took advantage of the whole situation with my mother and tried to get in touch with me to find out how the kids could get in touch with her since she had first got to the hospital but as Susan is even when I told her how the kids could call her she never told them.  I did manage a couple of times while I was with my mother to get a hold of Angela so at least my mother could hear her voice.   

Susan had never liked my mother we were from a poor family when my dad left home and she hated her ever since my mother told her that she knew she was trying to kill me the last time we had her at our home in 1995.   It really wasn’t anything different than her own mother was telling her it was just simply more to the point.   

I continued to work at Debt Free Christian for the next year counseling people with financial problems by phone.  I did okay part time keeping up even with the full time employees at times with the number of people I signed up.  I was doing okay most of the time financially with the little extra income I was getting from there.  

Probation was simply dragging on and on by now.  I found out a lot more about my lawyer during this time when I reached the half way point of my probation when he still refused to help me end it early or help me get out of California.  He had told me time after time he would help me get off probation as soon as possible and the half way point would be a very good time for that.  But when the time came he denied saying that and told me point blank how lucky I was I was not spending the rest of my life in prison and I needed to spend the whole time on probation to learn my lesson.  I discovered during this time by doing some internet searches on his name that he set on the board of a couple of different child protection agencies and then I knew for sure he had never tried or wanted to help me he was as bad if not worse than the prosecution was during my court time at wanting to put me away for life.  He knew that I could never restore my marriage or have a normal relationship with my children when I was forced to be 2000 miles away from them.  The only thing good I can see that he did for me was help me see Susan exactly as she was and how she had used me since the day she met me.  With out this mess I may have put up with her longer. 

In February of 2004 I got a check from the forced sale of the house we had in Washington since 1982 it was for roughly $8,000 dollars.  I managed to spend a couple of thousand of it before I realized that the IRS was still looking at my bank accounts.  The next thing I knew they had levied over $6,000 of it and I was broke again. 

The next little piece of bad news came the same day I discovered my money gone when the company I had worked for the last 18 months was laying me off as well saying they did not want any more part time workers and they felt they were holding me back from my real potential.  Of course I had no real potential in today’s society all they see is that I am a convicted felon and worse than that they see it was for child molesting.   I know I have applied for over 2000 jobs in the last 7 years but when it comes to that disclosure it ends the interviews and discussions.  For all practical purposes I am done when it comes to working full time. 

I had to finally file for bankruptcy something Susan and her mother had tried since 1990 to get me to do.  The problem is of course I wanted to pay my debts and as long as I could I did try.  But now with no income and all my money gone I had no hope.  Susan had filed for bankruptcy the  year before trying in vain to get me to file with her saying everyone else does it why can’t you?   

I went to a lawyer and he got a federal court order to freeze the levy telling both the IRS and my bank, Washington Mutual not to release the money to the IRS.  However the bank and the IRS ignored the court order and the bank gave the money over to the IRS any way.  Once again I found out even using the system that the law enforcement agencies in this country have no obligation to follow court orders unless you have the money to continue to fight them in court.  I had no more money and the IRS and the bank both knew that and the IRS when I told them they had taken the money in violation of the federal bankruptcy court order just laughed at me and said if you have the money to go to court then you have the money to pay us.  It amazing what you discover about people when you are done.  When this all first started to happen I discovered I had very few real friends and a wife that only wanted me around when I could provide for her living and fun.  The next thing I found was all the wolfs out there both government and others that took advantage of my situation robbing me of everything I had spend my life to earn.  Even my wife’s family and she simply looted what the police left behind.  It was as if I died with the exception I was alive and could witness the pillaging going on.  No one had any mercy on my property or me they knew I was 2000 miles away and I had not even a penny to my name to defend my self.   

Susan had destroyed the house we lived in once I could no longer make payments on it when I lost my full time job.  She was always the type to cut off her own nose to spite her face if she thought someone else would suffer too.  We lost money on the house sale when it finally happened and of course I was forbidden to file that loss on my income tax she got the whole thing along with 100% of the joint property and over 60% of my military retirement pension. 

We paid just $185,000 for that house in 1987 and it goes now for $1.3 million.   

I did mange to get a few hours from time to time since I was laid off in 2004 from friends and friends of friends just enough to help me survive mostly. 

In 2002 after 9-11 I started to give little public speaking engagements to friends and groups to share the knowledge I had about being prepared in a disaster.  It was something I had been doing up in Idaho and now it was all I could do.  I could not get a job so all that was left was volunteer public service just to get out of the apartment.   I have spent days and weeks at a time locked in this apartment since I moved in her and lost that job because I simply had no money for gas to even get to church at times.  There were times I only got out of the door a couple of times a week and no further than taking the trash to the dumpster is all.   

If you were too look at a hundred reasons others have gone postal and started shooting other people and such you could find I had all their excuses and then some but I had two things they never had, first I am a Christian and I have Jesus Christ to look after me (it doesn’t get better than that) and second I am and always will be a US Army Officer.  Neither of those allows me to even think of such a thing.  Of course I would love for the system I fought sweat and bled for to discover the wrong and make the corrupt police and court officials pay using the system but I also know it’s all in God’s hands and if nothing else they will answer to Him someday no matter how hard they try not to. 

Shake it Off and Step UP