I am desperate now for any kind of change in my life; my home life is nothing like I ever wanted my wife is gone every night and weekend either with dance classes or her friends out parting.  Work life is even worse.  I have been sanctioned off to a little corner in the distribution center with a tiny office now.  My direct supervisor is a 30 year old with absolutely no clue what kind of career or responsibilities I have been use to my whole life while she teaches me to have some sort of career goal.  The problem is I reached my life time goal when I served at the White House I held great responsibility and authority.  I had the complete trust of two Presidents and their staffs as well as my military superiors and my subordinates alike.   My word was always my bond as reflected in numerous of my efficiency reports.  All my life I was responsible for know what needed to be done when and how to plan for it as well as ensuring the right people were in the right place at the right time to accomplish multiple complex missions in many places in the world at the same time.  Now I was treated like a college intern at work.  All that I had said and prepared for had come to pass and it all worked exactly as expected actually above most people’s expectations.  They simply were not use to things working the first time and for any length of time.  

            Most every one of my peers now was trying to make me look bad the VP of IT and the Director were trying very hard to make a name for them by making me look as bad as possible.  No matter what I said they would do things their own way and when it went wrong they would fix the blame on me for not being forceful enough to convince them. When they did take my advice and use my knowledge they took the credit leaving me completely out of the loop.   We’d go behind closed doors and they would pick my brain knowing full well my experience in large complex operations far exceeded theirs, and then they would put those plans into motion and take full credit for them.   

Life to me sucked in every single aspect of it.  My wife at the time was spending 4 times the amount of money I was making and was never home.  She had only cooked maybe once a month for the past 4 years and did laundry maybe 6 times a year that included anything of mine.  I was going to the laundry mat now every week to wash my own clothes and to take my shirts and slacks to the cleaners.  When I tried to talk to Susan in the rare moments we were together she simply would say she did not want to talk about these things right now.  I would ask her if I was too fat, too old for her, or if she was seeing any one else.  No normal woman or couple for that matter could last with out any kind of intimacy for the years we had gone.  Sex together 6-8 times a year now for the past 4 years was really taking a toll on me.  To her she would tell me I was addicted to sex because in the rare moments she would sleep with me or be alone with me we’d have sex 6-8 times a year in those moments we were alone.  I was masturbating almost daily to keep from chasing her down or looking for any other woman to give me some sense of being human and normal.  All I wanted was to find a woman in my age range that wanted to be with me and appreciated me.  

When I first met the police in the AOL chat room they were posing as a 36 year old woman.  They were not posing as children.  Contrary to what the police and the DA wanted every one to believe I really was never interested in children for sex ever.   If they had not destroyed all my computers and hard disks that truth would have came out.  Every time they asked me to talk about her children I would ask questions like why on earth would you want a fat old man like me to be with your children?  All I wanted was someone to talk with since my wife was never at home.  Being in a chat room at least offered me some sort of conversation and companionship.  I really didn’t care if we talked about sex or if we talked about the weather I always let the lady on the other end lead the conversation.   In this case this 36 year old woman wanted me to teach her daughters 12 & 15 about sex.  She told me she had raised her daughters knowing full well she would be the one who would choose their first man to teach them about sex and he would be older more experienced.  This was her plan and goal and she had raised them both believing this.  I never ever believed the children even existed. That too was in nearly every chat conversation we ever had.  I knew deep down they were the police and asked them nearly every conversation if they were.  All they would respond with is if you want me (meaning the 36 year old woman) you have to teach the girls about sex and I don’t want a sissy with a fantasy but a real man that will follow through with it.  I never ever expected to meet her, but at the same time after the initial contact I made I never initiated any of our other conversations they always saw me on line when they were on shift and start to talk with me.   

They sent me nearly 18 photos of the 36 year old woman in the course of the 4 months we chatted and only 4 of the supposed children.  The weekend before I went to California for my interview I sent them a 6 page email with the pictures of the girls telling them in no uncertain terms that I did not believe they were real pointing out that of the 4 pictures supposed to be 2 girls they were of 4 different girls.  It was never my intention to meet these girls because I knew they were not real.  I talked to this group under the supervision of a police shrink because I had no one at home to talk with.  I had though several times of killing myself but I knew I couldn’t this was the best I could do after so long of being abused at home and work to change my life. 

During the 4 months we chatted they asked me for nude pictures of my self, mind you the girls never asked for them the adult pretending to be a 36 year old woman asked for them so I would send pictures of me shirtless, of my home and of me naked from the waist down for the 36 year old.  These were no more than R rated pictures anyone could see in an R rated movie and the nude ones of my gentiles were the same as seen in a sex education book for school children and never included my upper body or face just my penis.  

On two occasions the 36 year old pretended to be her 15 year old daughter and would chat with me at the 36 year old request.   I never sent the 15 year old a photo and never even pretended to talk with the 12 year old ever.  I had stated several times I was not at all interested in the younger girl and really was only talking to the 15 year old only because the 36 year old woman insisted that I do that if I wanted to continue being her friend.  I never knew I had a breaking point in my logic or my life.  These people under the supervision of the shrink pulled every dirty detail of my life out of me and how messed up it was at work and home and then would use it to lure me into their trap.  

I know full well that the police edited the transcripts of the chats and emails they produced to the DA, the judge and my lawyer.  The only way to prove that was with my computers sent to a federal government lab and they knew that as well that is why the police in San Diego and Idaho both defied court orders to return my equipment since they never found anything criminal on them in the first place.  What they did find were maybe a half a dozen ghost images of naked children that had been deleted as soon as they were viewed.  Now keep in mind that my home was full of children not just mine but others that were friends of my children.  Every one of them had used my computers nearly every day they were there for homework and browsing on the internet on their own.  Any one in the late 1990’s that ever entered an adult chat room on AOL knows they were sent unsolicited emails containing many nude photos and sometime they included nude children.  I kept the ones I opened of nude adults but would delete the nude children as soon as I opened them and could see they were of children.  My lawyer did not believe in 2000 that any one would send nude photos of children unsolicited so he refused to believe me when I would tell him that.  However as we all know now in the years since 2000 and this was used against me the US government and every state government came to realize this was happening and made laws against sending nude photos of children on the internet.  Too late for me since the internet was fairly new to the court and my lawyer.   All they could tell was that someone at some time viewed these pictures for a few seconds and they were deleted and could not be recovered except by the software available to the FBI alone.  You can bet your bottom dollar the DA used this information the best he could to make me look even worse.  I don’t know how many people had access to my computers and the hard drives in them.  It was common practice where I worked to exchange hard drives and every office was open.  It was well known that people were using others computers when they were not around.   I was not allowed by my lawyer to say anything of this sort. 

I wish things had been better at home and at work and I wish I could have seen more clearly the path of destruction I was taking. However, I was never the dirty old man luring or prowling the internet for children.  I was being used by several adults under the supervision of a shrink to further their own personal perversions and careers.  Not at any time did I ever start a conversation except the first one where I simply said hello.  They knew that many times during our chats I would strongly disagree with having sex with children.  Any one that knows anything about me and my home knows full well my home was a safe home for dozens of children both male and female.  I was often the only adult home with children not just my own but often just one or two of their friends that were staying over or actually living with us.  Many times I would as the only adult take my children and their friends on camping trips and vacations.  Every single child under my care and under my roof felt 100% safe with me and so did their parents leaving their children or allowing them to travel with me.  In 1999 alone during the spring break I took just my two girls ages 17 & 13 along with two of their friends to Canada for 4 days to a hot spring.  We traveled alone and we stayed in the same rental home alone those 4 days and not ever their or anywhere did I ever abuse them or threaten them in any way.    I  Also in 1999 I took my 13 year old daughter and her 13 year old friend across country alone to visit my mother in Iowa.  We stayed in the same hotel room every night the girls had their own beds and I had mine.   Every child I was ever in contact with knew I would never hurt them or molest them in any way shape or form.  It was quite normal to have anywhere from 3 to 10 extra children in my home every single night.  Starting when I lived in Germany about 1984 other children would come with my son and me on our camping trips together.   

What I did in real life was of no interest to the DA and the police or even my own lawyer. They were only concerned when I was arrested of proving I was a freak and a pervert.   

Now I finally had an escape from my job in North Idaho and a chance once again to save my family or at least in my mind I had a chance to save the family.  I was offered a job in Boise with Direct TV as the Director of IT at their big call center there.  I had been in Boise for a governor’s disaster seminar and meeting that lasted a few days and was able during a break to interview with the supervisors there.    

The only reason I came to California was to formally accept the offer of $93,000 a year that Direct TV was offering me to take the job.   I had to go to their corporate office to accept the offer and meet with even higher management.  Of course Direct TV paid for the airline tickets, and all other expenses for the trip.  I was to fly down on the 23^rd of March 2000 and spend the whole day the 24^th with Direct TV.  As planned and agreed I signed the offer with expectations of starting in two weeks in Boise.   

The same time that Direct TV had called to have me come to California I made the mistake of telling the police in San Diego that I was coming to California and they offered me anything they could think of to have me come down and meet with them.  Keep in mind here un like any story you ever heard of perverts where they offered candy, toys, money, pets and anything to children to meet with them I offered nothing at all, I didn’t want to meet with them actually.  This woman however planned a weekend where all expenses were paid by her and telling me that I would never have to ask for a thing from her it would all be given to me from love and attention to material things, food and Scotch.   Yes I know now I should never have let myself agree to meet with them or get in so deep with them in the first place I could have chosen to simply block them if I wanted to.  However as hard as it may be to understand I was in a very desperate position in my life.  I had been so ignored and emotionally abused by Susan for so many years that I wanted to believe deep down that this woman really wanted me and even though I knew there were no children there I was willing to tell her anything just to have a friend and a weekend with a real woman that I didn’t have to do anything except show up and she would see to my every need.  Bottom line I fell for her seduction and free weekend and made plans with her to meet that Friday night in San Diego after my meeting with Direct TV and what ever time it took me to drive from Los Angeles to San Diego. 

After I accepted the job and had left Direct TV’s office I started to try and call Susan to let her know that I had the job and we’d be making an additional $13,000 a year along with a $10,000 hiring bonus that we could use to pay off some of our bills with.  I couldn’t get a hold of Susan at first so I called everyone of my friends and the rest of my family and Susan’s family as well to tell them.  They were all very happy for me and congratulated me.  Traffic in Los Angeles at 5 PM is murder and it was taking hours to get out of town.  I finally reached Susan at the point where I could have turned off the freeway and gone to my brother’s home in Whittier or stay on the freeway going south.  When I told Susan I got the job her only response was “Oh No” I can tell you my heart sunk at that because all my married life I was trying to win her approval for the efforts I took to support her and the children to hear that from her was the final straw in a very confused state of mind that I was in and I stayed on the freeway determined to try and have a good weekend at least once in my life.  Needless to say that was a fatal mistake and I’d give anything to have been more mentally sound at the time.  I did feel more than obligated to meet with this woman in San Diego since she had spent so much money and time with me trying to get me to meet with her, but I really wanted more than anything for Susan to have given me at least a little approval or appreciation for me taking on another job in order to provide for her.  Susan was being offered another job with the same company she was working with in Boise herself and she could have taken it with a promotion and pay increase for herself but she was not interested in moving and leaving her friends and as I know now her boyfriend.  When I heard her words that night I got the same feeling I had the night I told her my father had just died and all she said to me about that was, “Don’t expect me to feel guilty”  I had reached my breaking point, only a man that has ever reached his breaking point can tell you how it feels and what you or he may feel like at the time and how almost anyone can get you to do anything they suggest just to get your mind off the way you feel at that point in time. 

As the time progressed and I drove along I began to know exactly what I was  headed for I could see in my mind the police and even pictured myself in jail for the first time in my life and wearing a blue uniform as well.  I had never been in any jail before in my life except a tour of the Military Prison in Leavenworth when I was going to school there in 1983.  Yet in my mind I was picturing the scene that I was to live for the next 60 days in my mind as plain as day.   I kept trying to tell myself that it was the only real way out of my marriage short of suicide and the fact is as bad as things were I really had not broken any laws because I had been talking with adults and I knew that and knew full well there were never any children involved at all.   

I know it is hard to understand all that was said between me and the police during the months that we chatted on AOL, the emails and the 3 or 4 phone calls that were made.  Most of the misunderstanding comes from the fact that the police edited much of those before submitting them to the DA, the court and my lawyer.  They took excerpts of what I said and printed them so far out of context for the sole purpose of making me look like a perfect pervert out to have sex with children.  The fact is nothing could be further from the truth and unfortunately since all the real data evidence was destroyed to protect this fact from public scrutiny it is down to my word against theirs.  All I can say about that is everyone that ever knew me knows full well I don’t lie. It often would not go over well with my superiors especially in the civilian world.  Army officers are not paid to lie they are paid to tell the plain simple truth anything less than the truth and the whole truth can cost lives and so much more.  It is still inconceivable to me that the only way that I could defend myself was out of my reach financially and to ask for help from my friends to simply tell the truth would put them and their families in harms way with a corrupt police force out simply to protect themselves after the arrest and to protect themselves at any cost by any means. 

            The whole idea of sex with the imaginary children was their invention from the beginning.  Yes of course I understand I should have ended the conversation but the cold fact about my life at the time the internet chat rooms were my only source of communications.  My ex wife was never home anymore she was out with her friends getting drunk and dancing around town with any man in his twenties that would dance with her.  She’d get home after the bars closed and sleep downstairs on the couch.   

My work was just as bad if not worse when it came to communications.  I had been set up to look like I failed some major projects.  I don’t believe the owners of the company ever believed that and I do believe they understood I was being set up.  The problem comes from the fact that the people that were sitting me up still had value to the company at the time that far out weighed mine.  I was brought in to make the IT and especially the telecommunications systems of the company as solid as anything we ever did for the President of the United States.  Since my whole military life was spent making systems solid and the most reliable in the world getting this company ready was all done with in a couple of years and that includes two new locations one of which was clear across country in West Virginia.   Every time the owner would confide in me my direct supervisors would get very angry and make a point of making my life as hard as hell.  I was threatened daily with being fired and with a family to feed and bills to pay most men simply grin and bare it as I did the best I could.  The main problem with trying to deal with the work problems was I had no one at home that gave a damn what so ever.   All Susan wanted by now was to regress back to being a free teenager and to dance and drink and play all she wanted.   

When the police came along I had someone to talk to.  They told me point blank several times they would not talk to me unless I was serious about teaching the girls about sex.  They went into great detail over and over again how it had been t he woman’s focus in life to have an older man teach the girls about sex and they had been brought up under the understanding that mom would pick their first man to teach them and it would have to be an older man.  Of course all my objections and resistance to this idea was mostly edited out and only excerpts of what I said taken out of context was given to the court and their parrots the press.   If I had done what I knew to be right I would have stopped talking to them.  The fact is I didn’t initiate any further conversations with these people beyond the first one.  Every time I got on line if they were on line they would contact me and talk me into telling them anything they wanted to hear.  Any time there was anyone else on line however I would talk to them if I knew them.  They would use all my issues at home and at work to seduce me into their twisted conversations.  I know it’s hard for a normal person with a normal home and work life to understand what would cause a man to continue to talk about something such as this especially since nothing could have been further from my mind or desires.  Its just that I had no one in my life that supported me in anyway or form and I let them seduce me into it over and over again. 

If in fact all the people who knew me or know me know, the shrink reports and the lie detector tests were made public it would be very easy to know who was telling the truth.  The only issue is if you would choose to believe the facts of my life as written down through out my life, the testimony of anyone that ever spent time with me, the lie detectors, and the shrinks or if you’d choose to believe a hand full of police out to protect their jobs and their livelihood.   Don’t forget I had the most extensive background checks into my life and life style that the government can do and again nothing of this nature was uncovered in my life either.  Also I had just completed a background check done by the local sheriff to become a volunteer deputy as well.  In fact about the only people I had any social contact with and even most of my professional time had been with the various police forces in the county.  That social relationship was basically participation with the County Search and Rescue Squad and at the local Eagles club once a week.  I was not out partying like Susan was or getting drunk and dancing with any woman like she was doing with any man that would ask her.   

I drove to the place where I was to meet the lady and as she had told me she was sitting out on a picnic table waiting for me.  I pulled my car up and got out and she came and gave me a big hug she was just like she was in her pictures she was very attractive and only 8 years younger than I was at the time.   We went back to my rental car to pick up my bags and headed back to the sidewalk of the complex.  As we got to the side walk the next thing I knew was a man was coming towards me out of the bushes and I noticed immediately that there were more than a dozen more headed towards me as well.  My first instinct was to drop the bags and push the woman behind me before I noticed even more men coming towards me and police cars as well.  The next thing I knew was there were like 40+ police officers all over me telling me I was under arrest.